August 28, 2012

(4) Prince



The summer was about to come and my mom had gone to visit my grandmother who was sick for a while... The school was unbearable with the prospect of oncoming summer holiday... Each second of the lecture time was strecthing to the infinity... After hours of torture, the last lecture finished, and I left the school like an arrow released from the bow... Suddenly, I remembered that I had to go to my father's office instead of home... My father had told me that we were going to visit one of the relatives nearby...

I generally hated the visits to the relatives... They always squeezed your cheek in the name of  showing some kind of care and they talked to you like you were a baby boy no matter how old you were... Also there was a never-ending  "routine talk", starting with the question of mutual well-being, continuing with the well-being of other relatives, and streching to the infinity just like the last lecture of the school... It was like: "How are you? I am  fine and how are you? Not too bad and how is your old mother? She is also not bad and how is yours? She can't walk much due to pains on her knees but thank God she is ok otherwise, how is your dad? " Oh, man... Please somebody shoot me...

I hurried to my father's old and dusty office... He grumbled a little for my late arrival and then we started to walk in the narrow streets of Bodrum...  My father was not a talkative person... He didn't mention anything about where we were going... It took about half an hour to arrive at our destination...

It was an old stone house on the far hills of the town... It had old, ruinous walls hiding a small garden from the alien eyes... Even though it was the middle of the spring, we were soaked in sweat...  My father was constantly using his handkerchief to wipe the sweat on his forhead...

We followed the wall and arrived at the dusty iron gates of the house. An amazing smell was being spread from the gates... It was impossible not to feel; the freshness of the air, the strange beauty hidden behind the walls...

I was expecting an incredible woman, like an angel, summoned to the gate and take us in... But instead; a tall, bony man with a sunburnt face approached to the gate... Opened the door, bended and kissed my father's hand... "Uncle Ali! You are welcome..." My father gracefully replied: "It is nice to see you Memet, how nice your garden is!"...

We walked through a small garden, full of beatiful flowers... You can hear the constant buzz of the bees, visiting the flowers with an unbridled hurry... There were a few stumpy mandarin and lemon trees, carefully pruned, leaves swept... At the far end of the garden, there were tomatoes, green peppers, green unions, mints, fresh beans clinging to the bamboo sticks... The garden was really something... Something from heaven...

Memet accompanied us to the courtyard of the house... Then went in and boiled some tea... Also offered home-made cake and some grapes, probably cut off  from the vine surrounding the courtyard and providing shade... 

Memet was a talkative guy... But talking only about small things... Like his garden... his flowers.. how he rooted the weeds and insects... how difficult it was to keep garden green during summer season... how much it did cost to him to whitepaint the outer part of the house... how he liked cooking fresh beans with tomates and mint...  And also continuously thanked my father for arranging his job in the municilpality... As if my father was a small god, and he was a humble servent... He seemed a bit weird to me... Like a man who was lonely, very lonely...  Losing his connections to the world outside of this garden...

My father listened to him without talking much... Nodded and smiled most of the time... I could feel the pain on my father's face... He intended to say something... something difficult to say... Just trying to find the appropriate context... But sometime later, Memet stopped talking... He was just sitting on the sofa, in front of my father, and sipping his tea... The silence was very heavy... Heavy enough to squeeze us under...

My father suddenly raised his eyes to me, but I pretended to read the book I brought with me... He cleared his throat and started talking slowly: "Look Memet, you have an amazing garden here... but you are alone...It is not good for a man to live alone..." Memet smiled back and said: "I am happy here Uncle Ali... very happy indeed... I have a job, a house and a garden... Also I am not alone here... I have Prince!"...

My father's eyes were rolled in confusion: "Who is Prince??!"... Memet gave a big burst of laughter and then shouted: "Prince... Prince... Come here boy!!!"

Suddenly, a huge rooster jumped in to the courtyard that we sat together. It was an unbelivable animal with its shining colors and bloody red crest... He directly went to Memet and jumped on to his lap. Memet was in a great joy, caressing the rooster with his bare hands... And the rooster was sitting on his lap,  like a purry cat... Gut gut gut.... gurrrttt... gut gut gut... Memet gave him a grape bead and he swallowed it with one gulp... Then he raised his eyes on us... Like trying to assess how to treat us...

My father and I were stone frozen... We had never seen such a big rooster sitting on a lap and purring like a cat...  My father couldn't talk for a while... Memet was certainly aware of our astonishment and really cheerfull about it... "See... My good boy... He never leaves me... Always watchfull... Very intelligent..."

[... will continue]

July 24, 2012

Poem from the past...



I found this small poem, written onto the margins of the Dostoyevsky's "The Idiot"... I remember writing this poem, in a bar, under the violent sounds of huge speakers and deadly clouds of smoke, half dead due to high doses of alcohol...

If he could cry

He could also laugh

But he

Neither cried

Nor laughed

It was a night

That everybody else seemed happy

He died...

March 08, 2012

(3) Bar Fight





"What the hell am I doing here?" I asked myself...

Sitting on a long bar chair, with my sixth beer almost gone...   The bar was not so crowded yet...  I came early in order to avoid any confrontation with the bodyguards due to my age... They let me in without any questions... I knew that they hated to see the bar empty... It had been nearly two hours since I was in... And people had started to show up... The rhythm of the music was also changing from soft tones to energetic tones... I could see a red-dressed amazing blonde was moving step by step to the dancing floor... I was sure this spark would ignite the fuel and the dancing floor would be full of human flesh within hour or so... If I had been at the entrance door at this moment, the bodyguards would be kicking my ass out.

But the question was hanging there: "What the hell am I doing here?"

I should have been at home, working for the national university placement exam... This was my only chance to run away from this town... From this hell... This small dirty labyrinth... I knew I would definitely lose my mind if I stayed here... I  had seen quite number of people stuck in this labyrinth... I knew how they hated to live here; but every time they attempted to go out, they came back with their tale between their legs... And most of them became what they hated... Fucking assholes... Fucking everything and everybody they encountered... They fucked their wives, their mistresses, their customers, their employees, their friends, the wives of their friends, their countryman, the visitors coming to their shops and hotels...They fucked the lives of their off-springs, infecting them with the same sickness...  And this dirty labyrinth continued to feed these monsters with more body, from all around the world... To feed their lust, their love of money, their cruelty... I hated this place...

But the question was still hanging there: "What the hell am I doing here?"

I was feeling that, like a horror film, the labyrinth was a living being... Feeding you with her poison and the poison was addictive... Once inside you, it was searching your soul, finding your weaknesses, and hooking you to the labyrinth from your weaknesses... And the labyrinth was resourceful for the human weaknesses... Flesh bodies for the lust, money for the greed, drugs for the pain, synthetic joys for the melancholy... Once you were bitten, once you got the poison, it was almost impossible to escape...

Suddenly; a soft, polite voice interrupted my deepening thoughts... "Would you mind if I sat next to you, my friend?"...  It was a short, middle-aged  man... Wearing a suit, instead of jean & t-shirt... The first thing hitting my recovering brain was that: "He must be gay..." This would not be the first time I was targeted... And I started to think appropriate words to defuse this potentially ugly situation for me... But the man just sat down next to me without waiting any response and quickly ordered two beers from the bartender... Then returned to me and smiled: "Don't worry my friend... I am not gay as you thought..." After a small laughter he completed his words: "As a matter of fact, I am here for women...  Beauties taking your mind to the high heavens!!!"...

I was not a talkative person but he was quite chat-starter... In couple of minutes, I learnt that he was a salesman for a beverage company... Always on the roads...  Works hard until late but visits bars to feel refreshed... A real love-bug... Not married of course (I remember he underlined: "God forbid!".)  Suddenly he stopped, got a few sips from his beer and asked: "What about you?". After a small silence, I introduced myself briefly and then talked about my theory of "labyrinth"... I was expecting to impress him but he gave me a mouthful laugh: "I thought that you were a kind of weirdo when I first saw you in the bar... Now, I know I was right!"...  I got offended a little bit but he immediately noticed and added: "Don't get offended... I like weirdos.."

After that point, he completely lost his interest on me... We just fell silent... I noticed that his eyes were scanning dance floor and some time later fixed on a target: The blonde which fired the dancing spree..

The blonde was, at most, in her mid-twenties.. She was one of those exceptional beauties... Long, smooth legs... Boobs: not too big, not too small... Just in divine proportion, making them unbelievable... And her face... It was the most inviting face I had ever seen... Like a mysterious door glowing in the mist and promising you heavenly adventures...

She belonged to much more classy places than this dirty hen-house... But there she was... Dancing on the floor with her procovative moves... At some point, I thought she was hired by the bar owner to get attraction... But later, when I saw some bartenders and bodyguards dancing around her to get her attention, I was pretty much convinced that, it was not the case...

I quickly scanned the bar... And saw that all men in the bar were fixed to her... Having dreams of her... I could almost hear their voices... Howling like a wolf... Bellowing like a bull... Roaring like a lion... Some of them, that has enough courage or enough thirst, were trying to impress her with their moves on the floor... Trying to touch her... to dominate her... But she was not giving in to anybody... Letting them to show their talent with a few moves and then pushing them away with very nice transitions... She was really the untouchable queen of the dance floor... A fire demon with an angelic beauty...

Again, my thoughts were interrupted by the salesman for the second time with a solid laughter... He put his hand to my shoulder and pointed at the front part of my jean with his other hand: "Watch out my friend! The labyrinth is getting into you!!!"... Then I realized that my male organ was awaken and creating a small tent in the front part of my jean...  I blushed in that moment but he continued: "Come on boy... Let's show these rednecks how to dance! And let's get this bitch... Believe me, she will screw two of us in one shot!"

I smiled at him and replied: "I am just a fool boy... Probably a worse dancer than those rednecks...  And do not want to ruin your show.. Just go and get her, tiger!"

He laughed again and said: "I love your honesty, boy! Wish me luck then!"...

He jumped to the dance floor like an old powerful gladiator returning to the arena... He was not as energetic as the younger boys but had more educated moves... Using much more delicate figures, slowly he reached at the best performance on the floor and got the attention of the blonde... They started to dance together... She was performing the most seductive figures on him and he was trying to reciprocate... A few minutes later, I saw that some of the bartenders and bodyguards jumped to the dancing floor and they "danced him out" almost forcefully... There was no an open aggression but the intent was clear... They wanted him out!

The salesman tried to argue with them shortly but he did not insist... Stopped dancing and sat back next to me... He was quite angry... "Stupid assholes!" he murmured! "Have you seen how they get me out! Jealous bastards!"..

I told him: "Forget it.. It's not worth it... She is a classy bitch... I don't think she considers any male in the bar a real match for herself... She is just having fun with us... Showing the carrot a little bit and then kicking you out as you believe you are the chosen one!"  He replied in disbelief: "Yeah... yeah..."

After that point, the salesman was in rage... He ordered beers one after another... (I also got my free share from his drinking spree...) He was continuously complaining from the staff of the bar... "Jealous bastards... I could be having her in my bedroom now... Fuck them!!!"... I told him again, to forget the incident, not to talk aloud about the staff... But he was like a raged bull; after the start of the charge, it was not possible to stop him...

I still cannot fully grasp how they moved us outside of the bar so fast! It was like a couple of superman had carried us out in the speed of light... I knew what would be coming next and I was trying to remember the advice of  my uncle: "If the fight is unavoidable, you should hit first! Hit to the points where you can give enormous pain... Like the nose or the balls..."

But my comprehension of time and matter was completely distorted by the massive alcohol in my blood... Just as I was trying to move my fist for the first blow, I noticed that the fist of my opponent was already moved, approaching to my jaw in slow motion...  It was like, it took a couple of minutes for the punch to arrive at my jaw... In the mean time, I could go and brew me a coffee to refresh myself... But I couldn't move, my body was frozen or was not carrying out the orders sent by my brain, which is running in an incredible speed...

After the first hit, the blows continued like rain from all directions... It was not possible to stop all of them... A few seconds later, I realized that there was no point in resisting and maybe I could utilize another strategy to survive... I let myself down, and played dead on the ground... It was not a complete success, but at least they left me alone after a few kicks to the stomach... Then I had the chance to look at my friend... He was courageously fighting back but he was really in a very bad shape... At least four guys giving him a hard time and he had no chance of winning... I stood up and shouted: "Enough, you will kill him... You cannot take pride from beating two drunks..."

I was not sure, whether my words had any effect on them or they had already realized that the guy would go into coma...  They stop attacking the man... And one of them, the one with a clean face, helped me... We carried the salesman to his hotel and he disappeared instantly... I was alone in the night... Every part of my body was in pain but I could not go home with my deformed face... I was not ready for my mom's outcries or my father's or uncle's interrogations! I went to the nearest park, found a bench and laid... I had no energy left to do anything else... The thought of death crossed my mind, before I fell asleep...

The next day, I was waken up by two police officers... It was early in the morning and I did not feel like to stand up but the two policemen took me to the police station without showing much kindness... When I entered the station, I saw a few familiar faces waiting for me in front of the police chief... The salesmen and bartenders were there, some of the bodyguards were there, I think the bar owner were there... The police chief was smoking silently with his razor-sharp eyes focused on me...

I was seated in front of the police chief... He asked me directly, without any introduction: "Mr. XXX, this gentlemen here is claiming that he was beaten by these bartenders and bodyguards together with you without any legitimate reason... He is declaring you as his witness... What do you say?" (Of course, he was rougher than this.. But I found difficult to translate his words as they were...)

For a few seconds, there was a silence in the room... I could hear the other voices, unrelated with the scene... A type-writer in the next room... The annoying buzz of a fly... The chatter of some people in the corridor... But everybody was looking at me, waiting for me to say something...

I suddenly started to talk: "No, these are not the guys who beat me... I was beaten by my friends because of a girl issue..." The salesman was in shock  and was not able to talk yet! The chief officer was angry and shouted at me instantly: "Don't lie to me... If you don't know this man, how come he knows your name?" I spoke calmly: "I met this man in front of the bar... I wanted to enter the bar but the bodyguards didn't let me in because of my age... I spoke to this man to get me in but he refused... Instead he bought me a beer from the nearby liqueur shop and we drank together outside having a small-talk... I told my name to him in that conversation"...

The salesman was in total rage: "I cannot believe this!!! Are you hearing what you are saying? Don't you see what they did to us?... We are ruined, looking like hell because of these bastards and are you defending them right now?"

The chief officer yelled at the salesman: "Be quiet and calm, otherwise I will let you taste our prison cell for the rest of the day!"  He then turned to me and asked one more time: "Are you sure, boy?" I nodded silently... After that he talked to all of us with a threatening voice: "OK then... Mr. Salesman, you had no witness and I have nothing to do with you until you find one... And you Mr. Bar Owner, I do not want to hear even one more complaint from your bar... I will gladly close your bar for at least a month without any second thoughts! Now, get the hell out of here... I have more serious business to follow!"...

The salesman was not cooled down yet... He again started yelling: "I don't understand what kind of man you are... Are you crazy?? You disgusting freak!!! I hate this town... Everything is turned upside down here... Everybody is nuts!!! I disgust this hen-house, this shit, this dirty labyrinth!"

With his last words, the salesman stopped talking and was bursted into laughter... He laughed hysterically until two officers took him out of the station...

When I got out of the station, I stood frozen for a while... I didn't know what to do... The sun was rising and it would be intolerably hot soon.. Then, my steps took me to the same bar... I sat to the same chair... One bartender brought me a beer, without waiting for the order... I silently and slowly drank beers in the remaining of the day, with my deformed face, as if nothing happened...

March 05, 2012

(2) Sylvia



I think I was 13 or 14 when I met Sylvia.  Her real name was not Sylvia but I had given her this name after reading an article, a sort of literary gossip, about Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughs. I don't know why I chose this name. I don't remember any particular reason now. It was the summer holiday and we were a bunch of boys, released to the sweet boredom of the summer sun.  The group was very diverse... Local boys like me, boys from big cities , boys from other countries, rich boys, poor boys, young boys, older boys, fat boys, slim boys, silly boys, serious boys... The total number and mixture were changing from time to time... We never decided a special place to gather but we easily found each other like a cat always finding its home. I think there was a magical bound, which could be found only at those ages... Loosely attaching us to each other... A kind of innocence before its violation... An anxious wait before the charge of the two armies... A kind of fear... The fear of the big leap from childhood to adulthood...

We were only boys until Sylvia... And for a long time we treated her as one of us. I remember her always wearing a jean, a t-shirt and sports shoes like all of us. She was not noticably beautiful nor particularly ugly. She had dark plain hair, with painted maroon beams... Dark nails...  Dark lips... Leather bands on her neck and wrists... A dark make-up around her eyes... She was like an angel touched by the darkness... And she had a very sharp sense of humor... She was a master in teasing... I think she named me before I gave her the name Sylvia. In her second day with us, she saw me coming and shouted at me: "Come on Dr. Doom... We were waiting for you to spread  the gloom..." and here I was, the Dr. Doom, the prince of darkness and center of negativity. Nobody called my real name after that...

I had always difficulty in understanding her speech since she had an Irish accent and I had a very poor English. Maybe a few hundred words or so... This was giving me a big disadvantage in this teasing game and she always beated me... "Dr. Doom... Dr. Doom... Fire your rockets and boom boom boom..." "You will have your darling only in the doomsday, Dr. Doom; since it is your only lucky day ha ha ha..." After I named her as Sylvia, I had attempts to tease her, with the help of some friends of course, but almost all of them sucked: "Sylvia... Sylvia... Ugly old witch... Darkness touched her and turned into bitch..." I think this was the best I could come up with but she never lost her temper on me...

I still do not fully grasp how we accepted her into our male rebuplic... We were the boys, with our bad humor and our macho, male-supreme attitudes... Our language was full of bad words: "bitch, fuck, whore, asshole, pussy, anal" etc. without much real experience behind them. We liked both worshipping the girls and insulting them... We accepted her maybe because she wouldn't dress like a girl... Because she liked Star Wars, American comics, Bruce Lee, wrestling like us... Because she wasn't offended by our male-supreme language... But she never presented herself as a boy... Her motto was "Silly boys!"... Almost every sentence came from her mouth either started or ended with "Silly boys!"... "Silly boys! You don't know a shit" "Silly boys, you can see those girls only in your dreams!" "Silly boys! You are dancing like a grizzly bear." "Silly boys! Go and get some manners!". Even under her constant insults, we loved her. She had some kind of aura around. Of course, we tried to tease her, wanted see her jumping up and down with anger. But nobody wanted to hurt her. I remember we spent almost a day looking for her lost necklace under the sun melting our brains out.

The best part of spending time with her when she was teaching us manners to get the girls. She gave us lessons how to start a conversation, how to behave, how to dance, how to become romantic, how to leash our primal instints until the right time... We never accepted even one argument of her when she talked... We laughed her... We teased her much more agressively... We said: "Women are bitches..." "They only impressed by power, money, cars, bigger male organ and good sex..." "Bring an expensive car and the get the best bitch!"... She always laughed back to us... I can hear her voice as if she is in front of me: "Silly boys!"... When she was not around we were putting her advices to test... Some boys even managed to get girls with her advices but when she was around we never mentioned it.. We continued to pound her with our macho attitude... I don't know why we were so cruel to her on this issue... Maybe something was pounded in our male genes... Something whispering into our subconsciousness that: "A man has to be a man, a powerful killing machine, a manly man, a winning alpha male, to feed his family... Don't compromise this under any circumstances! This is your test to manhood..."

Most of the time, she was quite talkative showing her skills in our never-ending teasing game. But sometimes, you needed a lever to open her mouth... Her eyes were lost in an imaginary horizon... As if she existed in another place, leaving an empty shell in this shameful little world... This lasted a few seconds to a few minutes... Most of the time it ended with a tease: "Dr. Doom Dr. Doom, why have you infected me with your gloom!" I think there were some cracks inside her... Not in her brain but in her heart... She had a very powerfull heart, keeping her from all the darkness of this world, but something or somebody had cracked it a little bit... Very little tiny cracks.. Thus the darkness found a way to leak... And it was eating her slowly but patiently...

And one day, one damned vile day, Murat talked to me in secret... Murat was the only boy of a local businessman, who was quite rich and stink... He was a little older than us, reaching the upper age boundary of our tiny community... Soon he would cross the boundary from childhood to manhood... He was spending less and less time with us... Hanging with bigger boys, which were almost transitioned to manhood..He was not a particularly bad boy... He was tall, athletic, lovely and always kind to everbody... He looked like Italian more than a standard Turkish boy... He was the only one who could play guitar among us... And the only one who did not tease Sylvia and defended her in much of the teasing contests... His only observable defect was that: he was a little snob, always looking down on you... But he was quite smart to hide his defect with his kindness... Somehow, I always felt this defect... I did not hate him, but always kept him in a distance... That's why I was quite surprized when he approached me: "We need a car tonight" he said. "Good, get your father's car then..." I replied. He smiled and continued: "I was busted yesterday when I tried to grab the car! Now, he has all his eyes on the car keys... I have no chance..."  "Why is it so important to you?" I asked. "I have already arranged a beach party with the girls..." he grinned. "I cannot put my manhood in jeopardy, what will I tell them?". I was a little bit angry and did not give him a reply. There was a silent moment and he started to talk: "Look! I could find a car from the big boys but then I need to invite them as well. You know them, they are mostly ignorant and rude... They do not know how to treat a girl... But you are diffent... You are a smart boy... Even if your father's car is a mess (here is the hidden insult!), I prefer you joining us. I have invited only quality boys... And I want to see you with us... I will hook you with one of the girls... I promise... What do you say?" I knew this was a very bad idea, but I was a teenager with his urges pushing him in a certion direction with a magestic pressure... I said OK... He smiled and said "Ok, see you at 21:00 at the harbour exit... Don't be late... Don't make me ashamed!"

I did everything right... Got the keys, got the car, arrived there on time... I saw that he got his father's amazing car nearby the harbour, filled with boys and girls... He told me: "I managed to get it... But we are crowded.. We still need your car... Get the remaining boys and girls and let's rush to our hidden beach... I got two girls and two boys and followed his car.. We arrived, parked the cars, grabbed food and drinks.. And I shocked when I saw Sylvia getting out of his car with an amazing night dress... She was completely different, every part of her body was glowing... She had erased all the darkness from her apperance... No dark nails, no dark lips, no dark lethear bands! She had painted her hair to red completely... I lost my senses for a while and dropped the packet I was carrying... Everybody laughed and Sylvia smiled at me as she was teasing me as usual: "Murat! Why have you invited Dr. Doom? He would certainly ruin this party with his gloom." But as a gentleman, he defended me right away: "Hey, without his car we won't be having this party! Besides, I have my magic guitar to defuse the gloom of Dr. Doom." Everybody cheered again. I was completely under the spell of the changed Sylvia. I forgot to notice that there was no girl for me.

We gathered some wood, lit a fire, and started the party... Food, drink, music and dance... But Sylvia was right... I summoned up all the gloom that I could produce... Especially after I noticed that I was alone... I felt used by  everybody around me... But I hid everything inside... Bursting my anger would cheer them more... They would continuously tease me... So I played by the book... Not danced but drank like hell... I noticed that I was a good drinker and smoker... Most of the boys, bigger then me, were coughing on each inhale... I coughed none... Neither I lost my conscious after a few liters of beer. Probably the big anger inside me protected me from the side effects... I teased the boys when they coughed or puked... At some point, the pressure in my urinary system was unbearable... I went to bushes, finished my job and came back... The fire was small but burning... All the food and drinks were scattered... Cars were silently waiting our come-back... But nobody was around... I realized that the "romance" time was started... First, I sat down and consumed another beer with another cigarette... It seemed an hour or so passed but when I looked at my watch it was only a couple of minutes... Then I decided to have a walk, sitting there alone was an enourmous torture for me... I walked a hundred meters alongside with the sea... Then I heard the voice of Sylvia... I hid myself and crawled to the voice... There she was... Sitting on a log, her legs were open, Murat was on his knees between her legs, sucking her breasts like an amazing fruit and she was producing small pieces of incredible voices whose impact would be shattering on any man... I was not a silly boy, I had seen a few porn before, I knew what was what... But I hadn't seen a real woman making love before... I was very angry and aroused at the same time... I didn't want to look but I couldn't keep my eyes off from this scene... I had frozen there for hours in my physical clock but it was maybe no more than a few seconds... I pulled my self together, crawled back, and started walking again. Walked and walked until I got tired... Puked a little bit...  Sat down, shut my eyes, and felt the cool breeze of the sea... Inhaled the smell of the sea salt... Listened the soothing sound of the waves... I was me again... The darkness inside me was retreated... Maybe not completely but a little bit... Enough amount to stand the rest of the night...

I walked back and found everybody around the fire... Murat was singing with his guitar and everybody was listening... When they saw me, they told: "Where have you been?" I grinned and replied: "I think I should ask the same question first!" Everybody bursted into laughter... I sat down, kept my eyes shut and listened the music... People around me was talking, laughing, teasing but I was deaf... I heard nothing, I saw nothing, I spoke nothing... I placed myself into another dimension and left my shell in this shamefull world... When I was back, everbody was tired... Some boys were sleeping on the laps of the girls... I stood up and walked a few meters away, where I could rest my mind in the dark blue horizon of the sea... Sat down on the sand, fired a cigarette... A few minutes later I felt a hand on my shoulder... She was Sylvia: "Hey Dr.Doom... Are you making plans to conquer the world and make everybody to your slave?" I wanted to give her a hard kick in the butt but I couldn't keep myself smiling... Not an exact smile but something like that... She sat down near me and we listened the waves for a minute... And then I suddenly spoke: "He seems good but he is no good... He is a liar... Why are you with him?" She blushed for a second and then "Maybe" she said. "But this is not your business... You are in no position to judge people for other people..." Paused for a while and then said: "If you are right, I will discover it soon... And learn my lesson..." I insisted:"But you be broken... Miserable... In pain.. And you already broken... Cracks on your heart... Nobody see but I see them..." We stopped talking for a while. I saw a small drop of tear flowing from her eyes, ruining her make-up. She gulped and talked again: "You have to learn how to deal with the cracks... You have to learn to be powerful not only in your muscles and brain but in your heart as well.. Otherwise, this world will shatter you... You have to learn to take risks, to break your shell, to be open to the blows... Otherwise, you will always be afraid... You will never be happy... You are a good boy Doom... And you will be OK soon... Just be patient.. Let time to grow you..." She suddenly kissed me from my forehead, cleared her face and went back to the fire... Kicked everybody to wake up... She was laughing and teasing people like she was not the girl talking to me a moment ago... I sat down and watched her... I was still seeing imaginary tear drops on her face while she was laughing... We quickly gathered everthing and went back... I didn't talk to anybody but Murat came to me and thanked...He never mentioned about his promise.. I nodded him without speaking.. Left them, put the car back, put the keys back... My mother woke up, yelled at me at first and threatened me to tell my father that I arrived late but then prepared me some food. I ate and then fell asleep..

The next day, after noticing the car was moved from its place, my father woke me up and gave me one blow from the face. He told me I was suspended for two weeks. I spent next two weeks by reading, watching TV and sleeping... Nothing more... My brain shutted itself down... Otherwise I was having an incredible pain... My heart wanted to tear itself... My stomach was burning... My mouth was always dry but I did not want to see even one drop of water... At the end of two weeks, my suspension ended... I went out and found the boys... Everybody blamed my father since I was looking like hell... I told nothing... Just hanged with the boys and waited for Sylvia... She didn't show up... I couldn't keep myself and asked whether Sylvia would come today... They told me that their family had gone back to Ireland  two days ago and she asked me a couple of times before she had gone... I remained silent... I went back to home, opened up my books and didn't meet the boys in the rest of the holiday...

Whenever I walk alone on the same streets now, I hear voices... Voices which escape from the cracks of the time and reach to the present: "Dr. Doom... Dr. Doom... Fire your rockets and boom boom boom..." Like a voice of a ghost... Like an old stupid child song...  Which squeezes your heart even in the sunniest bright day...

March 02, 2012

(1) Crying boy



I was a high-school teenager about 17 and it was the summer holiday in Bodrum. My family was very concerned about my future, they were afraid of losing me, in this holiday resort, which was a kind of hell for them. They were afraid I would start drugs, find a foreign girl, have sex, get various diseases, join a bar fight, get killed. I remember my father telling me that he would break my legs if he saw me in the bar street. But I was at the age of rebellion. I never responded my father but just ignored him. Most of the nights, after they slept, I just left the home silently. There was a different world out there. Mysterious, adventurous, energetic, lively, sexy... Though I never felt I truly belonged to that world... I was alone there, I had no friends, I did not know the rules, nobody was there for me to teach... And also she never opened her arms to me... I tried hard to fit in, changed my clothing, hair style a little bit, tried to dance... She never accepted me... At the end of every nite, I was alone, drinking and smoking by myself... But I cannot keep myself away from it... Like a boy, who were fascinated by the sea but cannot swim with the others... Nailed in front of the shore.. His eyes fixed to the waves splashing to the shore continuously...

One nite, like all others, I was walking and continuously smoking in the street... Alone as usual... There was a huge crowd in the background; people, music, shouts, hurrays, rhythm... It was earsplitting... I wanted to smoke my next cigarette in some peace and quite, nearby the sea. As I was walking I noticed a boy sitting by himself. I walked towards him a little bit more and saw him crying. We were almost at the same age. He was slim, bony.. Had very dark hair.. I hesitated and stopped, but it was too late, he raised his eyes, and saw me just standing in front of him. I was caught off guard by his big blue eyes...The words spilt from my mouth unconsciously: "hey bro, what's wrong?" He didn't respond. Just turned his face away. I could see the tear drops, flowing smoothly from his eyes to his chin, forming a shining path on his face. I did not know what to do for a while and then just sat down and fire another cigarette. I offered him one. He got the cigarette without looking at me and lit it with his own lighter. People was having fun; yelling, shouting... The drums of the speakers were tearing the hearts... Yet we were smoking silently, as if million miles away from this jungle. Suddenly he said: "She dumped me". Without much thinking I said "Who?". He pointed out a direction... There were a bunch of boys and girls. He said: "The blonde one"... I looked again... There she was... A gorgeous girl, a little older than us, very sexy, like I could see only in my luckiest dreams... I didn't believe it and this disbelief dropped from my mouth like a phlegm: "Fuck! You're kidding!!!"

I caught a glimpse of manly proud on his nanosecond smile. He said : "We were sleeping together for a week. And she dumped me tonight." There was a silence for a second. In that second, I was trying to asses whether he was  telling me the truth or just mocking me. The tear drops continued flowing... He was breaking the number one rule of the manhood in our domain: "Man never cries in front of others... If so, he shall be doomed"... I caught a few glimpses of the blonde, looking at us, telling the boys something... At that moment, I decided that he was telling the truth. Also I felt that a hot boiling water was poured into my mouth flowing through my throat into my stomach. I was a good guy, read hundreds of books, almost memorized all the classical literature, Dostoyevsky was my brother, Tolstoy was my grandpa, William Shakespeare was my rich neighboor from whose garden I stole apples, Steinback was my stubburn uncle, shit... I was never accepted by such a gorgeous beauty... I felt like a real freak, the hump of the Notre Dame! While I was drowning in my self-pity, he murmured: "She said it was done. We had a good time together. She found me very cute... But now she wanted to be with the boys of her age..." I was waiting for him to spill the magic word. I felt that it was moved from its place, gaining some acceleration and eventually would burst out from his lips. He said: "I loved her. I really loved her so much!" Another burst of tears flowed from his eyes and this time covered almost all his face. But the magic word "bitch", never came out...

Suddenly, a thick voice fizzled over our heads: "Where is this new fucking dishwasher boy?!! I will break his neck if he is not in the kitchen in a second!!! The glasses are flowing like hell and somebody must clean them up!" The boy cleaned his face with the back of his hand, threw his cigarette butt to the sea and rushed to the back entrance of the bar. He said quickly: "See you later mama's boy!"

I told nothing, stood up and went home. Never expected to see him again.

A few years later, I was walking in the same street of bars... I had put a few victories in my backpack though. I got a very high score in the national university placement exam, got a scholarship from one of the top universities in the field of engineering and I had finished the first year without killing myself... Other than these small victories, I was the same freak: alone, no women, heavy-drinker, married with books, hating his family. But even these small victories and the money I put aside from my scholarship had given me some self-confidence... At least, I had started to accept myself as I was... I went to a bar, ordered myself a beer, got my book from my backpack, fire a cigarette, not the cheapest one this time. The barman gave me the beer, and as I raised my eyes from the book I noticed his big blue eyes... This young man was not slim or bony, on the contrary, had specially developed muscles... He must have been very popular because I observed a few dazzling chicks hugged him and gave hot kisses... But I couldn't keep myself thinking the crying boy... I summoned up my courage, told him the story briefly and asked him whether he could be the boy... He curiously listened to me but he kindly said he couldn't remember such an incident. The boy must have been somebody else.. I ordered another beer, smoked another cigarette, seemed like reading the book... But infact I couldn't take my eyes off from the dazzling beauties... Waiting for a chance to have a conversation with one of them... The young barman was not so dumb, he noticed my glimpses and started a small-talk: "They are like jumped out of the beauty magazines huh?". I said: "They are adorable on that matter... I really wish to be able to read their minds to get in their beds". He gave me a big laugh: "Oh men, they are just bitches... You can have them anytime you want if you are a real sex machine". He smiled and continue: "I have a different one every night... They beg me to fuck them..." I nervously smiled back and said: "You are right I think." He winked at me and filled another beer: "This is on the house." I stopped talking, fired another cigarette and finished the beer. But something was burning in my stomach. Something was not in its place. Something was lost.

I left the money to the bar table, got my backpack, started to walk out of the bar... I wished to be gone before he saw me but he saw me. He shouted after me: "See you later mama's boy!"

I told nothing, walked away as if not heard. Never saw him again.