(1) Crying boy

I was a high-school teenager about 17 and it was the summer holiday in Bodrum. My family was very concerned about my future, they were afraid of losing me, in this holiday resort, which was a kind of hell for them. They were afraid I would start drugs, find a foreign girl, have sex, get various diseases, join a bar fight, get killed. I remember my father telling me that he would break my legs if he saw me in the bar street. But I was at the age of rebellion. I never responded my father but just ignored him. Most of the nights, after they slept, I just left the home silently. There was a different world out there. Mysterious, adventurous, energetic, lively, sexy... Though I never felt I truly belonged to that world... I was alone there, I had no friends, I did not know the rules, nobody was there for me to teach... And also she never opened her arms to me... I tried hard to fit in, changed my clothing, hair style a little bit, tried to dance... She never accepted me... At the end of every nite, I was alone, drinking and smoking by myself... But I cannot keep myself away from it... Like a boy, who were fascinated by the sea but cannot swim with the others... Nailed in front of the shore.. His eyes fixed to the waves splashing to the shore continuously...

One nite, like all others, I was walking and continuously smoking in the street... Alone as usual... There was a huge crowd in the background; people, music, shouts, hurrays, rhythm... It was earsplitting... I wanted to smoke my next cigarette in some peace and quite, nearby the sea. As I was walking I noticed a boy sitting by himself. I walked towards him a little bit more and saw him crying. We were almost at the same age. He was slim, bony.. Had very dark hair.. I hesitated and stopped, but it was too late, he raised his eyes, and saw me just standing in front of him. I was caught off guard by his big blue eyes...The words spilt from my mouth unconsciously: "hey bro, what's wrong?" He didn't respond. Just turned his face away. I could see the tear drops, flowing smoothly from his eyes to his chin, forming a shining path on his face. I did not know what to do for a while and then just sat down and fire another cigarette. I offered him one. He got the cigarette without looking at me and lit it with his own lighter. People was having fun; yelling, shouting... The drums of the speakers were tearing the hearts... Yet we were smoking silently, as if million miles away from this jungle. Suddenly he said: "She dumped me". Without much thinking I said "Who?". He pointed out a direction... There were a bunch of boys and girls. He said: "The blonde one"... I looked again... There she was... A gorgeous girl, a little older than us, very sexy, like I could see only in my luckiest dreams... I didn't believe it and this disbelief dropped from my mouth like a phlegm: "Fuck! You're kidding!!!"

I caught a glimpse of manly proud on his nanosecond smile. He said : "We were sleeping together for a week. And she dumped me tonight." There was a silence for a second. In that second, I was trying to asses whether he was  telling me the truth or just mocking me. The tear drops continued flowing... He was breaking the number one rule of the manhood in our domain: "Man never cries in front of others... If so, he shall be doomed"... I caught a few glimpses of the blonde, looking at us, telling the boys something... At that moment, I decided that he was telling the truth. Also I felt that a hot boiling water was poured into my mouth flowing through my throat into my stomach. I was a good guy, read hundreds of books, almost memorized all the classical literature, Dostoyevsky was my brother, Tolstoy was my grandpa, William Shakespeare was my rich neighboor from whose garden I stole apples, Steinback was my stubburn uncle, shit... I was never accepted by such a gorgeous beauty... I felt like a real freak, the hump of the Notre Dame! While I was drowning in my self-pity, he murmured: "She said it was done. We had a good time together. She found me very cute... But now she wanted to be with the boys of her age..." I was waiting for him to spill the magic word. I felt that it was moved from its place, gaining some acceleration and eventually would burst out from his lips. He said: "I loved her. I really loved her so much!" Another burst of tears flowed from his eyes and this time covered almost all his face. But the magic word "bitch", never came out...

Suddenly, a thick voice fizzled over our heads: "Where is this new fucking dishwasher boy?!! I will break his neck if he is not in the kitchen in a second!!! The glasses are flowing like hell and somebody must clean them up!" The boy cleaned his face with the back of his hand, threw his cigarette butt to the sea and rushed to the back entrance of the bar. He said quickly: "See you later mama's boy!"

I told nothing, stood up and went home. Never expected to see him again.

A few years later, I was walking in the same street of bars... I had put a few victories in my backpack though. I got a very high score in the national university placement exam, got a scholarship from one of the top universities in the field of engineering and I had finished the first year without killing myself... Other than these small victories, I was the same freak: alone, no women, heavy-drinker, married with books, hating his family. But even these small victories and the money I put aside from my scholarship had given me some self-confidence... At least, I had started to accept myself as I was... I went to a bar, ordered myself a beer, got my book from my backpack, fire a cigarette, not the cheapest one this time. The barman gave me the beer, and as I raised my eyes from the book I noticed his big blue eyes... This young man was not slim or bony, on the contrary, had specially developed muscles... He must have been very popular because I observed a few dazzling chicks hugged him and gave hot kisses... But I couldn't keep myself thinking the crying boy... I summoned up my courage, told him the story briefly and asked him whether he could be the boy... He curiously listened to me but he kindly said he couldn't remember such an incident. The boy must have been somebody else.. I ordered another beer, smoked another cigarette, seemed like reading the book... But infact I couldn't take my eyes off from the dazzling beauties... Waiting for a chance to have a conversation with one of them... The young barman was not so dumb, he noticed my glimpses and started a small-talk: "They are like jumped out of the beauty magazines huh?". I said: "They are adorable on that matter... I really wish to be able to read their minds to get in their beds". He gave me a big laugh: "Oh men, they are just bitches... You can have them anytime you want if you are a real sex machine". He smiled and continue: "I have a different one every night... They beg me to fuck them..." I nervously smiled back and said: "You are right I think." He winked at me and filled another beer: "This is on the house." I stopped talking, fired another cigarette and finished the beer. But something was burning in my stomach. Something was not in its place. Something was lost.

I left the money to the bar table, got my backpack, started to walk out of the bar... I wished to be gone before he saw me but he saw me. He shouted after me: "See you later mama's boy!"

I told nothing, walked away as if not heard. Never saw him again.