March 05, 2012

(2) Sylvia



I think I was 13 or 14 when I met Sylvia.  Her real name was not Sylvia but I had given her this name after reading an article, a sort of literary gossip, about Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughs. I don't know why I chose this name. I don't remember any particular reason now. It was the summer holiday and we were a bunch of boys, released to the sweet boredom of the summer sun.  The group was very diverse... Local boys like me, boys from big cities , boys from other countries, rich boys, poor boys, young boys, older boys, fat boys, slim boys, silly boys, serious boys... The total number and mixture were changing from time to time... We never decided a special place to gather but we easily found each other like a cat always finding its home. I think there was a magical bound, which could be found only at those ages... Loosely attaching us to each other... A kind of innocence before its violation... An anxious wait before the charge of the two armies... A kind of fear... The fear of the big leap from childhood to adulthood...

We were only boys until Sylvia... And for a long time we treated her as one of us. I remember her always wearing a jean, a t-shirt and sports shoes like all of us. She was not noticably beautiful nor particularly ugly. She had dark plain hair, with painted maroon beams... Dark nails...  Dark lips... Leather bands on her neck and wrists... A dark make-up around her eyes... She was like an angel touched by the darkness... And she had a very sharp sense of humor... She was a master in teasing... I think she named me before I gave her the name Sylvia. In her second day with us, she saw me coming and shouted at me: "Come on Dr. Doom... We were waiting for you to spread  the gloom..." and here I was, the Dr. Doom, the prince of darkness and center of negativity. Nobody called my real name after that...

I had always difficulty in understanding her speech since she had an Irish accent and I had a very poor English. Maybe a few hundred words or so... This was giving me a big disadvantage in this teasing game and she always beated me... "Dr. Doom... Dr. Doom... Fire your rockets and boom boom boom..." "You will have your darling only in the doomsday, Dr. Doom; since it is your only lucky day ha ha ha..." After I named her as Sylvia, I had attempts to tease her, with the help of some friends of course, but almost all of them sucked: "Sylvia... Sylvia... Ugly old witch... Darkness touched her and turned into bitch..." I think this was the best I could come up with but she never lost her temper on me...

I still do not fully grasp how we accepted her into our male rebuplic... We were the boys, with our bad humor and our macho, male-supreme attitudes... Our language was full of bad words: "bitch, fuck, whore, asshole, pussy, anal" etc. without much real experience behind them. We liked both worshipping the girls and insulting them... We accepted her maybe because she wouldn't dress like a girl... Because she liked Star Wars, American comics, Bruce Lee, wrestling like us... Because she wasn't offended by our male-supreme language... But she never presented herself as a boy... Her motto was "Silly boys!"... Almost every sentence came from her mouth either started or ended with "Silly boys!"... "Silly boys! You don't know a shit" "Silly boys, you can see those girls only in your dreams!" "Silly boys! You are dancing like a grizzly bear." "Silly boys! Go and get some manners!". Even under her constant insults, we loved her. She had some kind of aura around. Of course, we tried to tease her, wanted see her jumping up and down with anger. But nobody wanted to hurt her. I remember we spent almost a day looking for her lost necklace under the sun melting our brains out.

The best part of spending time with her when she was teaching us manners to get the girls. She gave us lessons how to start a conversation, how to behave, how to dance, how to become romantic, how to leash our primal instints until the right time... We never accepted even one argument of her when she talked... We laughed her... We teased her much more agressively... We said: "Women are bitches..." "They only impressed by power, money, cars, bigger male organ and good sex..." "Bring an expensive car and the get the best bitch!"... She always laughed back to us... I can hear her voice as if she is in front of me: "Silly boys!"... When she was not around we were putting her advices to test... Some boys even managed to get girls with her advices but when she was around we never mentioned it.. We continued to pound her with our macho attitude... I don't know why we were so cruel to her on this issue... Maybe something was pounded in our male genes... Something whispering into our subconsciousness that: "A man has to be a man, a powerful killing machine, a manly man, a winning alpha male, to feed his family... Don't compromise this under any circumstances! This is your test to manhood..."

Most of the time, she was quite talkative showing her skills in our never-ending teasing game. But sometimes, you needed a lever to open her mouth... Her eyes were lost in an imaginary horizon... As if she existed in another place, leaving an empty shell in this shameful little world... This lasted a few seconds to a few minutes... Most of the time it ended with a tease: "Dr. Doom Dr. Doom, why have you infected me with your gloom!" I think there were some cracks inside her... Not in her brain but in her heart... She had a very powerfull heart, keeping her from all the darkness of this world, but something or somebody had cracked it a little bit... Very little tiny cracks.. Thus the darkness found a way to leak... And it was eating her slowly but patiently...

And one day, one damned vile day, Murat talked to me in secret... Murat was the only boy of a local businessman, who was quite rich and stink... He was a little older than us, reaching the upper age boundary of our tiny community... Soon he would cross the boundary from childhood to manhood... He was spending less and less time with us... Hanging with bigger boys, which were almost transitioned to manhood..He was not a particularly bad boy... He was tall, athletic, lovely and always kind to everbody... He looked like Italian more than a standard Turkish boy... He was the only one who could play guitar among us... And the only one who did not tease Sylvia and defended her in much of the teasing contests... His only observable defect was that: he was a little snob, always looking down on you... But he was quite smart to hide his defect with his kindness... Somehow, I always felt this defect... I did not hate him, but always kept him in a distance... That's why I was quite surprized when he approached me: "We need a car tonight" he said. "Good, get your father's car then..." I replied. He smiled and continued: "I was busted yesterday when I tried to grab the car! Now, he has all his eyes on the car keys... I have no chance..."  "Why is it so important to you?" I asked. "I have already arranged a beach party with the girls..." he grinned. "I cannot put my manhood in jeopardy, what will I tell them?". I was a little bit angry and did not give him a reply. There was a silent moment and he started to talk: "Look! I could find a car from the big boys but then I need to invite them as well. You know them, they are mostly ignorant and rude... They do not know how to treat a girl... But you are diffent... You are a smart boy... Even if your father's car is a mess (here is the hidden insult!), I prefer you joining us. I have invited only quality boys... And I want to see you with us... I will hook you with one of the girls... I promise... What do you say?" I knew this was a very bad idea, but I was a teenager with his urges pushing him in a certion direction with a magestic pressure... I said OK... He smiled and said "Ok, see you at 21:00 at the harbour exit... Don't be late... Don't make me ashamed!"

I did everything right... Got the keys, got the car, arrived there on time... I saw that he got his father's amazing car nearby the harbour, filled with boys and girls... He told me: "I managed to get it... But we are crowded.. We still need your car... Get the remaining boys and girls and let's rush to our hidden beach... I got two girls and two boys and followed his car.. We arrived, parked the cars, grabbed food and drinks.. And I shocked when I saw Sylvia getting out of his car with an amazing night dress... She was completely different, every part of her body was glowing... She had erased all the darkness from her apperance... No dark nails, no dark lips, no dark lethear bands! She had painted her hair to red completely... I lost my senses for a while and dropped the packet I was carrying... Everybody laughed and Sylvia smiled at me as she was teasing me as usual: "Murat! Why have you invited Dr. Doom? He would certainly ruin this party with his gloom." But as a gentleman, he defended me right away: "Hey, without his car we won't be having this party! Besides, I have my magic guitar to defuse the gloom of Dr. Doom." Everybody cheered again. I was completely under the spell of the changed Sylvia. I forgot to notice that there was no girl for me.

We gathered some wood, lit a fire, and started the party... Food, drink, music and dance... But Sylvia was right... I summoned up all the gloom that I could produce... Especially after I noticed that I was alone... I felt used by  everybody around me... But I hid everything inside... Bursting my anger would cheer them more... They would continuously tease me... So I played by the book... Not danced but drank like hell... I noticed that I was a good drinker and smoker... Most of the boys, bigger then me, were coughing on each inhale... I coughed none... Neither I lost my conscious after a few liters of beer. Probably the big anger inside me protected me from the side effects... I teased the boys when they coughed or puked... At some point, the pressure in my urinary system was unbearable... I went to bushes, finished my job and came back... The fire was small but burning... All the food and drinks were scattered... Cars were silently waiting our come-back... But nobody was around... I realized that the "romance" time was started... First, I sat down and consumed another beer with another cigarette... It seemed an hour or so passed but when I looked at my watch it was only a couple of minutes... Then I decided to have a walk, sitting there alone was an enourmous torture for me... I walked a hundred meters alongside with the sea... Then I heard the voice of Sylvia... I hid myself and crawled to the voice... There she was... Sitting on a log, her legs were open, Murat was on his knees between her legs, sucking her breasts like an amazing fruit and she was producing small pieces of incredible voices whose impact would be shattering on any man... I was not a silly boy, I had seen a few porn before, I knew what was what... But I hadn't seen a real woman making love before... I was very angry and aroused at the same time... I didn't want to look but I couldn't keep my eyes off from this scene... I had frozen there for hours in my physical clock but it was maybe no more than a few seconds... I pulled my self together, crawled back, and started walking again. Walked and walked until I got tired... Puked a little bit...  Sat down, shut my eyes, and felt the cool breeze of the sea... Inhaled the smell of the sea salt... Listened the soothing sound of the waves... I was me again... The darkness inside me was retreated... Maybe not completely but a little bit... Enough amount to stand the rest of the night...

I walked back and found everybody around the fire... Murat was singing with his guitar and everybody was listening... When they saw me, they told: "Where have you been?" I grinned and replied: "I think I should ask the same question first!" Everybody bursted into laughter... I sat down, kept my eyes shut and listened the music... People around me was talking, laughing, teasing but I was deaf... I heard nothing, I saw nothing, I spoke nothing... I placed myself into another dimension and left my shell in this shamefull world... When I was back, everbody was tired... Some boys were sleeping on the laps of the girls... I stood up and walked a few meters away, where I could rest my mind in the dark blue horizon of the sea... Sat down on the sand, fired a cigarette... A few minutes later I felt a hand on my shoulder... She was Sylvia: "Hey Dr.Doom... Are you making plans to conquer the world and make everybody to your slave?" I wanted to give her a hard kick in the butt but I couldn't keep myself smiling... Not an exact smile but something like that... She sat down near me and we listened the waves for a minute... And then I suddenly spoke: "He seems good but he is no good... He is a liar... Why are you with him?" She blushed for a second and then "Maybe" she said. "But this is not your business... You are in no position to judge people for other people..." Paused for a while and then said: "If you are right, I will discover it soon... And learn my lesson..." I insisted:"But you be broken... Miserable... In pain.. And you already broken... Cracks on your heart... Nobody see but I see them..." We stopped talking for a while. I saw a small drop of tear flowing from her eyes, ruining her make-up. She gulped and talked again: "You have to learn how to deal with the cracks... You have to learn to be powerful not only in your muscles and brain but in your heart as well.. Otherwise, this world will shatter you... You have to learn to take risks, to break your shell, to be open to the blows... Otherwise, you will always be afraid... You will never be happy... You are a good boy Doom... And you will be OK soon... Just be patient.. Let time to grow you..." She suddenly kissed me from my forehead, cleared her face and went back to the fire... Kicked everybody to wake up... She was laughing and teasing people like she was not the girl talking to me a moment ago... I sat down and watched her... I was still seeing imaginary tear drops on her face while she was laughing... We quickly gathered everthing and went back... I didn't talk to anybody but Murat came to me and thanked...He never mentioned about his promise.. I nodded him without speaking.. Left them, put the car back, put the keys back... My mother woke up, yelled at me at first and threatened me to tell my father that I arrived late but then prepared me some food. I ate and then fell asleep..

The next day, after noticing the car was moved from its place, my father woke me up and gave me one blow from the face. He told me I was suspended for two weeks. I spent next two weeks by reading, watching TV and sleeping... Nothing more... My brain shutted itself down... Otherwise I was having an incredible pain... My heart wanted to tear itself... My stomach was burning... My mouth was always dry but I did not want to see even one drop of water... At the end of two weeks, my suspension ended... I went out and found the boys... Everybody blamed my father since I was looking like hell... I told nothing... Just hanged with the boys and waited for Sylvia... She didn't show up... I couldn't keep myself and asked whether Sylvia would come today... They told me that their family had gone back to Ireland  two days ago and she asked me a couple of times before she had gone... I remained silent... I went back to home, opened up my books and didn't meet the boys in the rest of the holiday...

Whenever I walk alone on the same streets now, I hear voices... Voices which escape from the cracks of the time and reach to the present: "Dr. Doom... Dr. Doom... Fire your rockets and boom boom boom..." Like a voice of a ghost... Like an old stupid child song...  Which squeezes your heart even in the sunniest bright day...

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