She never loved me.
I knew it even though she never openly told me.
We were sitting outside... The waves were constantly splashing to the shore... A full moon was flirting with the sea... Grasshoppers were chirping madly to mate... And she was crying silently... Just next to me leaning her head on my shoulder...
She murmured: why?
I foolishly repeated: why what?
She stayed silent for a while and then said: Why we have to be miserable?
I smiled in pain: Because you don't love me...
She smiled with teardrops on her face: but, as you said, you are ugly..
I smiled back: That's true...
She replied with a giggle: Don't change the subject... Tell me why he doesn't love me?
I said: Because he is stupid... because he is not capable of love anybody but himself...
She smiled in pain: You love me, I love him and he doesn't love anybody but himself... what could be worse?
I smiled again and replied: he could be gay and could be in love with me...
She bursted into laughter... laughed and laughed and laughed. .. we laughed for a long time... until I tried to kiss her...
I don't remember when I decided to kiss her. But I remember how I felt: A warm liquid was running into my heart... Turning me into a transparent creature... I could see my heart pumping like a crazy horse... I could see all my blood vessels trying to withstand the immense pressure... Waves were forming and traveling through my liquid skin... I wanted to freeze the time... I wanted to be this transparent creature for the rest of my life... I wanted to conjure her, to become one with her, never let her go...
But in a split second, she pushed me away... I resisted first, but she pushed harder and I let her go... let her go with my shattered dreams lived only a split second. ..
She started crying again and shouted: Why?
I didn't speak... She shouted again: Why do you have to ruin everything?
I asked hesitantly: Because I love you?
She continued crying and murmured: Because you kissed me... Everything was in a thin equilibrium and your kiss broke it.. It will never be the same... Please just go... And do not call me back again...
She went inside and slammed the door... I did not know what to do for a while... I had been in heaven for a split second and now I was sent back to the hell, to the deepest point with no hope...
I don't know how much I stayed in that late summer garden... I was desperately hoping she would come back and hug to me... She would say she loved me... I would beg her for a bit of love, crashing further the remainings of my manly proud... Couldn't she love me for only one night, one hour, one minute? I wanted to hear only once: I love you honey... You have an incredible heart... I want to be with you... I want you kiss me again...
After a while, my hopes fainted... I realized that the dream was over... I had nobody but my gloomy self... I had lost my only girlfriend that I could share something... Even if it was not love... She was right... It would never be the same... I had bitten the forbidden fruit... And God banished me to the hell...
I wandered through the beach... The waves were stopped, the sea was flat as if you could walk on it like Jesus had done miraculously centuries ago. However, grasshoppers were still chirping madly to lure their mates. I also wanted to chirp madly until she came back. Seriously thought this for a moment...
In the end, I bought a pack of cigarettes and sat on the beach. I had quitted smoking a while ago since she had wanted me quit... She had said that I could forget kissing her one day if I had not stopped smoking.. I wished I wouldn't...
I fired a cigarette and thought about killing myself... I felt like the hunchback of the Notre Dame... I was ugly for sure, maybe not as ugly as the hunchback, but still... Ugly... My life would be miserable, alone, excluded. .. I would always be begging for love... I was neither smart nor funny to compansate my ugliness... Maybe funny a little bit... Women liked funny guys huh... I should have got my father's pistol and smashed my head...
No, I was not brave enough to do that...
Instead, I continued to sit on the beach and smoking until I finished the whole pack. I tried to remember, in all tiny details, the most important split second of my life so far. And inscribed it into my memory... I didn't want to lose it... I could kill myself anytime, even might find more civilized ways to do that... It was a beautiful night. The sea was sleeping and the moon were kissing her tenderly... Caressing her with his soft touches... He might even be whispering an ancient song to his love... And the grasshoppers were madly chirping to mate...
